Alright, so I said I wanted to write about it being Bisexuality day and so that’s precisely what I’m doing. First off I identify as Bisexual, and I wish I had learned about this day earlier so I could represent myself with the Bi Flag colors or something, but as for right now I only have a disintegrated Bi Pride sticker on my phone and a bunch of rainbow paraphernalia.
Nevertheless, it isn’t about what I wear: I identify as Bisexual, Pansexual and Queer. I’ve heard people say they identify as Pansexual but not Bisexual, or Pansexual but not Queer, and many other similar things. I can only speak for myself, since it’s up to each person individually to decide what they want to classify themselves as or even if they want to classify themselves, but as for me, I identify within all three of those.
I’ve had a bit of a struggle since throughout my life I’ve been unsure whether I actually *count* as Bisexual, but I’ve come to realize how silly that is, nevertheless, I still have some internal conflict. It’s especially strange since I’m not even sure if I can count myself as out. I mean I have “pansexual” listed under the About section of my blog, and on my instagram and pinterest account and such, but aside from online, I don’t frequently *tell* people.
It’s weird since in Junior High I would get annoyed when people assumed I was a lesbian. At that point I had crushes on females, but also males, though being in a Catholic school where the most I knew about queerness came from representation which often weren’t the most accurate or respectful ways of portraying queer people.
Nevertheless, by the time I went into High School I thought of myself as Bisexual, until I was told by a former friend, who’s opinion I valued more than my own, at that time, told me I was faking it for attention and that I was just an ally. I unfortunately believed her, and kept my queerness somewhat hidden.
Then Sophomore year, I recall almost “coming out” to a teacher who did a Cabaret talking about his experience as a queer person. I related a lot with the emotions portrayed in his show, yet wound up getting too nervous to tell him, especially in the presence of my mother.
In Junior year I had an enormous crush on a non-binary individual, and since my perception of Bisexuality at that time (which, mind you, is a false one) was that it excluded attraction to non-binary people. Subsequently I began referring to myself as Pansexual. I also told a few close friends, mainly because I wanted to fangirl about how utterly adorable my crush at the time was.
Senior year, I identified as Pansexual/Queer, but never made a point to outwardly say anything to anyone, to the point where when I finally told the afore mentioned teacher about my sexuality, he seemed utterly shocked that I wasn’t straight. It seemed odd to me, since I certainly didn’t see myself as the poster child of heterosexuality/heteronormativity.
I then went to Columbia. The plot thickens since at this point, after performing in a show called ‘Queertopia’ it seemed as though (in spite of there being straight people in the show) I was as out as I’d likely ever be. I saw myself as queer and carried on in a manor that didn’t hide it. Because of this, I got my first taste of homophobia directed specifically at me- I suppose being called a Lesbian in Junior High *might* count, but considering that’s as far as it went, and I didn’t really know what my sexuality was, it didn’t necessarily hit all that hard. As for at Columbia, although a lot of the anti-queerness messages I got were in regards to gender nonconformity, there was certainly lots regarding sexuality as well.
I shan’t go into it too much, but what surprised me and caught me off guard was that so much of the vitriol was directed at Queer/Bisexual/Pansexual people more than Gay or Lesbian people. Granted, there was awfulness towards those people as well, but the majority of the homophobia towards me in particular was due to me being bisexual/pansexual/queer. My feelings of discomfort and offense were often invalidated when I pointed out homophobia, since people frequently responded with something to the effect of “none of the real gay people are upset by this, so you must be overthinking it”.
I also got into countless arguments when people said:
1. I’m not actually queer since I’ve never had a girlfriend.
2. Bi/Pan/Queer guys are actually 100% homosexual and are only trying to lessen the negative connotation by pretending to be “half straight”.
3. Bi/Pan/Queer girls are actually either straight girls who are too unattractive to find a boyfriend so they branch out, or are straight and just want to get the attention of a man.
4. Bi/Pan/Queer people are “slutty” or amidst a phase.
None of these are correct, yet nearly any time it was made known that I was queer, one, if not all of these misconceptions would often be brought up. And I’m not trying to rag on Columbia (I’ve done a fair deal of that already, anyways), but what I am saying is that in the near Utopia that was my high school, where I was surrounded by queer teachers and students, my sexuality was nearly never made a big deal by anyone who knew or thought they knew about it, subsequently I never really thought of it being a defining characteristic of my identity.
But now that I have had an experience where I was surrounded by a multitude of people who were very unfriendly towards queer people, my Queerness/Bisexuality/Pansexuality has become so much more of my personality. During that time of difficulty, I found queer characters in media I could cling to and relate to: Hedwig Robinson and Donnie DuPre, both of whom I relate to for reasons other than their queerness, yet both I believe fall under the Bisexuality umbrella. I’ve heard people argue that Hedwig only likes guys and Donnie only likes girls, and I don’t want to be argumentative, but I have strong feelings and “proof” (although I don’t like that word) to show that my perception of them as falling under the Bisexual umbrella isn’t a completely irrational interpretation of either of them.
Now a days I see myself as tremendously queer, and although as of recently I’ve been trying to figure out if I could find words to fit me better, considering, for instance, I don’t see myself as especially hetero-romantic, but who knows about the future. Sexuality and Gender (and tons of other things for that matter) are fluid, so what I feel like today might be entirely different than how I’ll feel in a month or two.
I still feel weird about the prospect of actually “coming out” to family members. Now a days I think all my closest friends know, and my new friends will likely find out soon enough- plus I’m apparently setting off people’s gay-dars nowadays, which is a really interesting development for me. But as I was saying, I’ve tried coming out to family before and the only people who’ve respected and acknowledged this aspect of my identity are my mother and my surrogate brother. I have the suspicion that my other family members kept the knowledge in their brain, but don’t want to accept or say anything about my queerness, either because they don’t want me to be anything but heterosexual, or because they don’t feel equipped with any knowledge of queerness. If it’s the latter, I’d be perfectly fine with helping them, of course!
It’s strange to me since I have been rejected by family in the past, and so, in a way, I’m a tad scared it will happen again- not just with queerness, but with any part of my identity that may be seen as too “rebellious”. I think that’s why I connect so strongly with the prospect of families of choice, since if your beloveds know of the parts of your identity you’re afraid to show your biological family, and love you, not only in spite of, but sometimes because of that aspect of your identity, it seems like a far more sincere form of love.
And it isn’t necessarily that I feel like if my family knew, or rather acknowledged, my queerness, they’d treat me badly, but I feel like having them know that about me sooner rather than later might help for if a circumstance were to arise where I found myself entirely in love with someone who isn’t a cis man. The teacher I aforementioned twice already recently posted about how much joy he found in dancing with his beloved boyfriend among his catholic family he was once worried about coming out to. I related lots to it, and although I have SUCH an easy life as a queer person compared to so many, it did certainly hit home for me.
One last thing, before I shut up and work on things I actually should be working on: I’ve been reading/listening to lots of interviews in which Alan Cumming (who is a marvelous person, from what I can tell) talks about his own bisexuality. From what I can tell, people seem to see his bisexuality as so much scarier, for lack of a better word, than Lady GaGa’s, for instance, and I think that’s because, as I said earlier while talking about fallacies: Queer guys are frequently seen as Gay and Queer girls are frequently seen as straight. As a queer girl, I don’t want to be seen as dangerous or scary, but it certainly upsets me that my queerness is seen as less legitimate than the average queer guy. I’m of course not begging for more homophobia, it’s just something I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention while writing about my bisexuality.
Nevertheless, it isn’t about what I wear: I identify as Bisexual, Pansexual and Queer. I’ve heard people say they identify as Pansexual but not Bisexual, or Pansexual but not Queer, and many other similar things. I can only speak for myself, since it’s up to each person individually to decide what they want to classify themselves as or even if they want to classify themselves, but as for me, I identify within all three of those.
I’ve had a bit of a struggle since throughout my life I’ve been unsure whether I actually *count* as Bisexual, but I’ve come to realize how silly that is, nevertheless, I still have some internal conflict. It’s especially strange since I’m not even sure if I can count myself as out. I mean I have “pansexual” listed under the About section of my blog, and on my instagram and pinterest account and such, but aside from online, I don’t frequently *tell* people.
It’s weird since in Junior High I would get annoyed when people assumed I was a lesbian. At that point I had crushes on females, but also males, though being in a Catholic school where the most I knew about queerness came from representation which often weren’t the most accurate or respectful ways of portraying queer people.
Nevertheless, by the time I went into High School I thought of myself as Bisexual, until I was told by a former friend, who’s opinion I valued more than my own, at that time, told me I was faking it for attention and that I was just an ally. I unfortunately believed her, and kept my queerness somewhat hidden.
Then Sophomore year, I recall almost “coming out” to a teacher who did a Cabaret talking about his experience as a queer person. I related a lot with the emotions portrayed in his show, yet wound up getting too nervous to tell him, especially in the presence of my mother.
In Junior year I had an enormous crush on a non-binary individual, and since my perception of Bisexuality at that time (which, mind you, is a false one) was that it excluded attraction to non-binary people. Subsequently I began referring to myself as Pansexual. I also told a few close friends, mainly because I wanted to fangirl about how utterly adorable my crush at the time was.
Senior year, I identified as Pansexual/Queer, but never made a point to outwardly say anything to anyone, to the point where when I finally told the afore mentioned teacher about my sexuality, he seemed utterly shocked that I wasn’t straight. It seemed odd to me, since I certainly didn’t see myself as the poster child of heterosexuality/heteronormativity.
I then went to Columbia. The plot thickens since at this point, after performing in a show called ‘Queertopia’ it seemed as though (in spite of there being straight people in the show) I was as out as I’d likely ever be. I saw myself as queer and carried on in a manor that didn’t hide it. Because of this, I got my first taste of homophobia directed specifically at me- I suppose being called a Lesbian in Junior High *might* count, but considering that’s as far as it went, and I didn’t really know what my sexuality was, it didn’t necessarily hit all that hard. As for at Columbia, although a lot of the anti-queerness messages I got were in regards to gender nonconformity, there was certainly lots regarding sexuality as well.
I shan’t go into it too much, but what surprised me and caught me off guard was that so much of the vitriol was directed at Queer/Bisexual/Pansexual people more than Gay or Lesbian people. Granted, there was awfulness towards those people as well, but the majority of the homophobia towards me in particular was due to me being bisexual/pansexual/queer. My feelings of discomfort and offense were often invalidated when I pointed out homophobia, since people frequently responded with something to the effect of “none of the real gay people are upset by this, so you must be overthinking it”.
I also got into countless arguments when people said:
1. I’m not actually queer since I’ve never had a girlfriend.
2. Bi/Pan/Queer guys are actually 100% homosexual and are only trying to lessen the negative connotation by pretending to be “half straight”.
3. Bi/Pan/Queer girls are actually either straight girls who are too unattractive to find a boyfriend so they branch out, or are straight and just want to get the attention of a man.
4. Bi/Pan/Queer people are “slutty” or amidst a phase.
None of these are correct, yet nearly any time it was made known that I was queer, one, if not all of these misconceptions would often be brought up. And I’m not trying to rag on Columbia (I’ve done a fair deal of that already, anyways), but what I am saying is that in the near Utopia that was my high school, where I was surrounded by queer teachers and students, my sexuality was nearly never made a big deal by anyone who knew or thought they knew about it, subsequently I never really thought of it being a defining characteristic of my identity.
But now that I have had an experience where I was surrounded by a multitude of people who were very unfriendly towards queer people, my Queerness/Bisexuality/Pansexuality has become so much more of my personality. During that time of difficulty, I found queer characters in media I could cling to and relate to: Hedwig Robinson and Donnie DuPre, both of whom I relate to for reasons other than their queerness, yet both I believe fall under the Bisexuality umbrella. I’ve heard people argue that Hedwig only likes guys and Donnie only likes girls, and I don’t want to be argumentative, but I have strong feelings and “proof” (although I don’t like that word) to show that my perception of them as falling under the Bisexual umbrella isn’t a completely irrational interpretation of either of them.
Now a days I see myself as tremendously queer, and although as of recently I’ve been trying to figure out if I could find words to fit me better, considering, for instance, I don’t see myself as especially hetero-romantic, but who knows about the future. Sexuality and Gender (and tons of other things for that matter) are fluid, so what I feel like today might be entirely different than how I’ll feel in a month or two.
I still feel weird about the prospect of actually “coming out” to family members. Now a days I think all my closest friends know, and my new friends will likely find out soon enough- plus I’m apparently setting off people’s gay-dars nowadays, which is a really interesting development for me. But as I was saying, I’ve tried coming out to family before and the only people who’ve respected and acknowledged this aspect of my identity are my mother and my surrogate brother. I have the suspicion that my other family members kept the knowledge in their brain, but don’t want to accept or say anything about my queerness, either because they don’t want me to be anything but heterosexual, or because they don’t feel equipped with any knowledge of queerness. If it’s the latter, I’d be perfectly fine with helping them, of course!
It’s strange to me since I have been rejected by family in the past, and so, in a way, I’m a tad scared it will happen again- not just with queerness, but with any part of my identity that may be seen as too “rebellious”. I think that’s why I connect so strongly with the prospect of families of choice, since if your beloveds know of the parts of your identity you’re afraid to show your biological family, and love you, not only in spite of, but sometimes because of that aspect of your identity, it seems like a far more sincere form of love.
And it isn’t necessarily that I feel like if my family knew, or rather acknowledged, my queerness, they’d treat me badly, but I feel like having them know that about me sooner rather than later might help for if a circumstance were to arise where I found myself entirely in love with someone who isn’t a cis man. The teacher I aforementioned twice already recently posted about how much joy he found in dancing with his beloved boyfriend among his catholic family he was once worried about coming out to. I related lots to it, and although I have SUCH an easy life as a queer person compared to so many, it did certainly hit home for me.
One last thing, before I shut up and work on things I actually should be working on: I’ve been reading/listening to lots of interviews in which Alan Cumming (who is a marvelous person, from what I can tell) talks about his own bisexuality. From what I can tell, people seem to see his bisexuality as so much scarier, for lack of a better word, than Lady GaGa’s, for instance, and I think that’s because, as I said earlier while talking about fallacies: Queer guys are frequently seen as Gay and Queer girls are frequently seen as straight. As a queer girl, I don’t want to be seen as dangerous or scary, but it certainly upsets me that my queerness is seen as less legitimate than the average queer guy. I’m of course not begging for more homophobia, it’s just something I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention while writing about my bisexuality.
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